Own Yourself: Step Two Toward Authenticity.
This week, take the opportunity to fully embrace yourself AND what you love most.
In our spring blog series, we’ve been exploring Stephen Joseph’s Authenticity formula: Know Yourself + Own Yourself + Be Yourself. This week, we’re diving into the second part of this formula: Own Yourself.
Owning oneself can be hard! It requires acknowledging and accepting all aspects of your true self; both the good stuff and the bad stuff. But once you can do this, you’ll open the door to incredible opportunities for personal growth, happiness and greater satisfaction with life.
Owning the good stuff
Each of us has a number of amazing strengths, skills and natural talents we can be proud of. Taking ownership of these positive attributes can be a major confidence booster. Taking ownership can also help us find greater purpose and fulfillment in life by giving us a chance to really utilize these valuable attributes for the good of ourselves and others. This step of taking ownership of yourself might even awaken your inner Ikigai, or “reason for being.”
(Learn more about the philosophy of Ikigai by clicking HERE.)
An example might be something like this:
One of Jen’s natural strengths is being a good listener. Recently, she supported a life-long friend to get through a devastating divorce. Jen stepped up and was there to listen without judgement when her friend needed to talk through the tough stuff. Since then, the two have grown even closer, and her friend has stepped up to support Jen through tough times as well. Jen feels good knowing that their friendship is so solid and supportive.
Owning the not-so-good stuff
Just like each of us has a number of confidence-boosting positive attributes, we each also have some negative behaviors or habits that can drag us down or distance us from our best self. These negative things can limit our confidence and make it difficult for us to find fulfillment. The good news is that by owning these aspects of the self, we take back our power over them. We then get to control how they show up in our lives, and we can work on gradually shifting away from these negative behaviors or habits as we develop healthier strategies through focused positive growth.
An example might be something like this:
Oscar knows he has a short fuse. He often lets his temper get the best of him in stressful situations, instead of taking the time he needs to cool down. Last week, he got really angry at his brother during a minor disagreement, and said some terrible things he wishes he could take back. Now, his brother won’t return his calls and Oscar is faced with the harsh consequences of his negative behavior pattern. After this incident, he’s taking ownership, and has made a promise to himself to prioritize working through his anger issues this year. By doing so, he hopes that he can start rebuilding the relationships that matter most to him.
Understanding our defenses
Many of our negative behaviors or habits find their roots in the defense mechanisms we utilize to protect ourselves from physical or emotional discomfort. We deploy these tactics (often subconsciously) to deal with uncomfortable thoughts, feelings and experiences, as well as to ward off real or perceived threats. Defense mechanisms often begin to develop in childhood and can become ingrained in one’s personality through years of behavior patterning. Some defense mechanisms can be positive by effectively helping us cope with uncomfortable situations, emotional overload, childhood trauma and other stressors. But while some are valuable in many ways, others can be harmful when left unchecked and unacknowledged. Unhealthy defense mechanisms can create real problems for us, especially if we rely on them too frequently or for too long.
Unhealthy defense mechanisms may limit our ability to:
process stress or uncomfortable emotions in a healthy way
learn from our mistakes and failures
communicate effectively with others
maintain healthy relationships
develop positive coping strategies
develop health habits and behaviors
evolve into our best self
Joseph shares some great explanations of defense mechanisms in his book Authentic. You can also find definitions of common defense mechanisms online from a number of sources. Check out our reference list below to learn about the different types of common defense mechanisms.
Reflection Exercise: Own who you are
Let’s dive into two activities here to help us explore our positive and negative attributes. Once we’re aware of these things, we have the opportunity to take ownership of them. By taking ownership, we can leverage our positive attributes for good, and also work through our negative attributes to develop healthier behaviors, habits and coping strategies.
Activity one: Your positive attributes
Take 5 minutes to answer the following questions in your journal or in a note on your phone.
What are three of your natural strengths, talents or skills?
(Things that you’ve never really had to practice, they just feel like part of your DNA.)
How are these positive attributes meaningful to you and to others?
What are three strengths, talents or skills that you’ve worked hard to develop in your life?
(Things that you’ve learned or practiced in order to get good at.)
How are these positive attributes meaningful to you and to others?
Activity two: Your negative attributes
Take 5 minutes to answer the following questions in your journal or in a note on your phone.
What are three negative behaviors, habits or defense mechanisms that you feel might be dragging you down or distancing you from your authentic self?
How are these negative attributes harmful to you and to others?
What is one way you could take ownership of each of these attributes today, and start developing positive behaviors or strategies to take their place?
Owning what you love
As we explore ways to own the self and cultivate greater authenticity, we can’t forget about owning what we love! This might be our personal passions, hobbies, favorite places, vocational pursuits, family life, and many other things that bring each of us joy and fulfillment.
Taking ownership of what we love means acknowledging how important these things are to our sense of satisfaction with life. Once we do that, we can start building a more authentic lifestyle that gives us space to engage with these things regularly.
To acknowledge how important what we love is, we can do three things:
Name them - What is it that your authentic self really loves? What matters most to you?
Acknowledge them - Why are these things important? How do they contribute to your sense of joy, purpose and fulfillment?
Make space for them - How can you make more space for these things in your life? How might they help you build a truly authentic lifestyle?
Reflection Exercise: Own what you love
Take 5 minutes to answer the following questions in your journal or in a note on your phone.
Naming: What are five things that you really love? What matters most to you in your life?
(This might be personal passions, hobbies, favorite places, vocational pursuits, family life, or anything else that brings you joy, purpose and fulfillment.)
Acknowledging: Why are these five things important to you? How do they contribute to your sense of joy, purpose and fulfillment?
Make space for them: Are you currently engaging with these things in the way you want to? If not, how can you make more space for them in your life?
Learn about defense mechanisms:
Check out these online articles to learn about the different types of common defense mechanisms.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/defense-mechanisms
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/defense-mechanisms#common-defense-mechanisms
https://positivepsychology.com/defense-mechanisms-in-psychology/
We hope this post has been helpful! Stay tuned for the rest of our Authenticity series as we continue exploring this topic together over the next two months. Until next time!
Want to dive deeper? Or, just need to talk?
Do you need support right now? Want to explore this topic more deeply with a coach or peer group? We’re here for you! Recovery Resources offers several great ways for clients, alumni and community members to get plugged in for one-on-one support and meaningful discussion.
Our Peer Support Program gives you the opportunity to get support from those with personal lived experience navigating challenges, questions or struggles that are similar to your own. This program offers both individual talk sessions and peer groups. A trained Peer Support Specialist will be your advocate and guide as you pursue your goals.
Our Holistic Coaching Program gives you the opportunity to get support from a certified Holistic Health Coach with more than two years of experience working specifically with people in recovery. This program offers both individual coaching sessions and coaching circle groups. Your coach will be your facilitator and accountability partner as you identify your strengths and values so you can effectively pursue your goals. Reach out to Kelsey Brasseur to get started: kelsey@recoveryresourcescolorado.org
